Oh Canada,
eh?
How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool on the
hottest day of the summer?
Just yell "Ok now, everyone out of the pool!"
(Thanks to Nick Wolf for sending this one in!)
Up in heaven God was talking to an angel about this
beautiful country he was creating. He described this place to the angel.
"It will have lakes, tall mountains, as well as big trees covering the land.
The air will be crisp and fresh , the water will always be clean, and the
people will be the most friendly you will ever meet."
"I will call it Canada and the people living inside;
Canadians."
"But God." the angel questioned, "don't you think you are being too nice to
these Canadians?"
"Nope!" replied God, "Just wait 'till you see their neighbors!"
An American decided to write a book about famous churches
around
the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a
trip to Orlando,
thinking that
he would start by working his way across the USA from South
to North.
On his first day he was inside a church
taking photographs
when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign
that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a
priest who was
strolling
by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct
line to heaven and
that
for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and
went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a
very large
cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign
under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind
of telephone he saw in
Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what
its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line
to heaven and that
for
$10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis,
Washington DC,
Philadelphia,
Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden
telephone
with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont
decided to travel to up
to
Canada to see if Canadians had
the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the
first church he
entered, there
was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign
under it read "40 cents per call."
The American was surprised so he asked
the priest about the
sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but
in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're
in Canada now, son -
it's a
local call"
On a golf tour in
Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a
remote outport. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf,
greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the
golfing pro is.
"How's she cuttin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and
bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his
shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the
attendant.
"They're called tees" replies
Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are
dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls
on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Lard tunderin Jaysus", says
the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of
everyting!"
A Canucklehead goes into a Tim
Horton's in Gander and notices there's a "Roll Up The Rim To Win" Contest
going on. So, he rolls it up and starts screaming;
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The girl at the counter says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize
is a car".
But the person keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we
didn't have that as a prize!"
The person says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor
home!" They hand the cup to the manager and he reads..........
"W I N A B A G E L"
An American, a Japanese and a
Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping
sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others
looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager he said. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a
microchip in my hand."
The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went
to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian
finally said "Well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax."
Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale,
and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a
gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says,
chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now
and make someone very happy."
Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100
bills out the window and make ten people happy."
Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a
hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such
arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the
window and make millions of people happy."
Why Canuckleheads Can't Be
Paramedics.....
Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest
and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head. Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1. He
gasps to the operator, "By tundering Jesus, I tink me pal Bud is dead! What
should I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it
easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There
was silence.... and then a gun shot was heard.
Joe comes back on the line; "Okay, now what?"
Why is Kitsalano BC like
Granola?
Once you get rid of the fruits
and the nuts all you got left are the flakes.
A couple went on vacation to a
fishing resort in northern Alberta. The husband liked to fish at the crack
of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after
several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to
read her book.
Along came Conservation Officer Al in his boat. He pulled up
alongside the woman and said,
" Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replied, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in
and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said
the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," said the C.O.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
It was mealtime during a
flight on Air Canada.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated
in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A New Brunswicker, a Quebecer,
and a Newfie were walking down the road together and they bumped into a
lantern with a genie inside. Out pops the genie and he says, "I will grant
you one wish each. Who wants to go first?"
The New Brunswicker says, "Me, I want to go first."
So the genie replies, "Ok, what is your wish?"
The New Brunswicker said, "My wish is to have a 2-lane highway
across New Brunswick, smooth as a baby's arse!" The genie said, "Poof! There
you go. A highway as smooth as a baby's arse!"
The Quebecer pipes up and says, "Well I am going next! Genie, I
want a 20-foot wall around the border of Quebec to keep all the damn
Englishmen out!"
Genie, "Poof! There's your 20-foot wall. Now Newfie, it is your turn. What
do you want?" The Newfie looks at the genie and asks, "Genie, is that wall
you just put around Quebec waterproof?"
Genie, "Yep!"
Newfie, "Filler up!"
A young man named Paul bought
a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry
son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."
Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".
The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"
Paul said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Paul, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just
won't tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"
Paul said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $698.00."
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
And Paul replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead
was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his
$2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he
thought I was a great guy."
Paul grew up working in business and finance, owned marine shipping
companies, and eventually entered Canadian politics. After a lengthy wait
for this boss, Jean, to step down as Prime Minister, Paul was voted in with
a Liberal minority government. He had learned the drill well. No matter how
many times he lied or how much money he stole from the public, as long as he
gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great
guy.
.......And you know the rest of the story.
If you have a Canadian joke,
please email it to me!
Nothing too crude will end up on this page ...but I don't mind reading
whatever you got, heh heh ...
