What is
Active Listening? It is a technique that can help you better
communicate with your children whenever there is a problem -
whether that be a dispute in the home, or problems with bullying
at school. It is a simple technique, better explained in detail in
the book "Parent
Effectiveness Training" by Dr. Thomas Gordon.
Simply repeat whatever your child says,
in a non-judgmental way, in the context of the emotional reaction you
are hearing. Don't just parrot their word back to them. But avoid any
moralizing, judgments, or suggestions. Just lead them to reveal more of
their feelings about the situation. For example, say that your daughter
Sally comes home from school and declares:
Sally: "School SUCKS! I hate
school. I am never going back!"
The first parental response is often one
of denial or defense:
Sally: "School SUCKS! I hate
school. I am never going back!"
Dad: "School does not
"suck". Everyone has a hard time now and then. You are just
going to have to get used to it.'
Sally: "You don't care!"
Tried with active listening techniques
the outcome is often different:
Sally: "School SUCKS! I hate
school. I am never going back!"
Dad: "You really dislike going to
school, don't you?"
Sally: "Yeah. I hate Billy, he's
always teasing me and calling me names." (suddenly the real problem
becomes apparant)
Dad: "You're really angry with
Billy."
Sally: "He's so mean! I hate
him"
Dad: "Hmm-hmm ..."
Sally: "I just don't know what to
do about him! I have tried everything!"
Dad: "Everything?"
Sally: "I guess I could tell the
teacher about it or just not sit next to him on the bus ..."
Dad: "That sounds like it's worth
trying ... let me know what happens next time. If you need my help, you
know I'm here."
If Dad had gone to the gut response and
insisted Sally go back to school, he might never have found out what the
problem was. Parents whose children actively avoid them do tend to react
in judgmental, blaming or problem-solving modalities. Active listening
gives the child a chance to figure out a solution for herself. It may or
may not be the most effective one - but she can try it, and if it doesn't
work out, Dad will still be there to revisit the issue if she needs his
help.
Active listening also validates the
child's emotions, while empowering them to sort out their own solutions.
Often, when children express their fears and frustrations about bullies,
both parents and teachers say:
Teacher: "If you didn't react,
they wouldn't tease you so much!"
Mother: "Don't feel bad honey,
don't let them get to you!"
What this translates to in the child's
mind is:
"You are weak, "bad" or
not worth the trouble to protect. This is your problem - DEAL with it,
because it is a nuisance to me. I have better things to do, your
feelings are not important."
Active Listening gets the real message
across:
Teacher: "What is the matter
Timmy? Why are you crying?"
Timmy: "Everyone hates me! They
all call me names!"
Teacher: "Everyone calls you
names?"
Timmy: "(Pauses) ... no, but Suzy
and Johnny call me names and everyone likes them!"
Teacher: "And you don't like it
when they call you names."
Timmy: "I hate them!"
Teacher: "You are really angry
about this."
Timmy: "Yeah. I guess I could try
to tell them to stop it, but what if they don't?"
Teacher: "You know you can always
come to me to talk about it, I am here if you need my help."
This is only a minimal example of the
Active Listening technique. There may be Parent Effectiveness or Teacher
Effectiveness courses being taught in your community, and taking such a
class is far better than reading one web site or a book. You'll have a
chance to interact with other parents, to practice the techniques in a
safe and supportive atmosphere.
(FYI: I have no connection with PET in
any way - just find the techniques incredibly helpful in my own life with
both adults and children, and want to spread the word so others can
improve their lives)
