Staci's Place: No More Bullies!
Cyberbullying Advice and Tips
What do I do if I am being bullied online?
Adult Peer Abuse is often an
extension of abuse that started offline, or between strangers in online
discussion groups. The police are often the best
resource for dealing with an abusive former spouse. A good lawyer can be a
powerful ally. Online
discussion groups are discussed
here. For this page, we'll
focus on abusive partners, former friends, coworkers or others you know in
the "real" world.
If you lack the funds to get a lawyer, and
the police are unsupportive, there are still some steps you can take to
protect yourself. The first step? Think. What would you do if someone were
repeatedly calling you over the phone? You would first tell them to stop.
You would then call the police, get a restraining order. You might even get
an unlisted phone number.
Online, many people make the mistake of
"fighting back". This is the absolute worst thing you can do, especially
with an adult peer abuser. It will only inflame them, make them madder, and
motivate them to escalate their abuse.
Step One is to inform the abuser that you
consider their behavior abusive, that you want it to stop, and that you will
be documenting any attempt to reach you online to report it as harassment. I
have a number of web sites, and occasionally I get the odd abusive email. I
ignore the first abusive email altogether. If there is a second email, then
I send a message as follows:
"Your email has been logged, stored and will be
referred to the abuse administrators at (yourisp.com). I have blocked
your email address, and any further attempt at communication from you of
any sort will be considered harassment, and will be reported to the
authorities with no further notice to you."
If this does not halt the abusive email
(and it is unlikely to do so when the bully is just a cowardly critic
hiding behind a disposable email address), it may be necessary to change
email addresses. Change Internet Service Providers (ISPs) if you have to. If
for any reason you cannot change your email address, your email reader may
offer "filters" or "rules" to block spam and abusive emailers.
Yahoo -
How to Block Abusive
Emails
Report the abuse to your ISP, and to the
ISP the bully is using ... but don't expect much help from them, especially
from the larger ISPs. You will mainly be doing this as part of your
documentation efforts. You must document everything. Keep a "bully diary".
Make a note of the day, time and place of the abuse, and of anyone you
called or complained to about it. If you call your ISP, get the name of the
customer service representative you speak to, and get the name of their
abuse administrator.
Whatever you do, do NOT argue with
the bully. Ever. As Scott Adams said in
Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel "If you spend all your time arguing
with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be
nuts". This is wisdom for
anyone dealing with an online bully. The normal reaction is "Why you ... how
dare you ..." but like Adams points out, that rarely makes much impact on
the "nuts". Worse, it is often used by them as a defense for their actions.
In fact, I have seen victims lose their own email accounts and be prosecuted
for their responses to abuse.
When I was the abuse administrator it was
only one of several jobs I had. I had no budget and very little time to make
a decision. If a complainant came to me with a charge of abuse, the only way
I had to judge who was in fact the target and who was the bully was by
reading through what was often a long boring series of charges and counter
charges by two equally spiteful and abusive people. Most abuse
administrators are in this position - where they exist at all. I developed "Jasmine's eSolomon Test". I would say to the complainant that I would take their side
if they would opt out of the back and forth. If they agreed to stop arguing,
no matter what the abuser said, and let me deal with it, then it would be
clear to me who the abuser was and who was the victim.
Sometimes this was not successful.
Unfortunately I was forced to write
those cases off as mutually abusive. Most often though, the moment my complainant allowed me to step
in, when they backed off from needing the last word, I was able to send a
stern but fair "cease and desist" letter to the bully, and that ended the abuse
in virtually every case I handled (I can only recall one case where this did
not work).
Unfortunately, you may not have the luxury
of having someone helpful at your ISP on your side. A lot of the providers
pay lip service to abuse reports but frankly, as an insider, I saw fewer and
fewer actual people at these jobs up until I left in the late 90's. Often
there is nothing more than an unread auto responder saying "Thank you for
your abuse report." Some don't even bother to respond at all. If they have names attached to these emails, they may
well be bogus, or just the names of low-level support staff who rarely read
the reports. ISPs just don't have the budget for dealing with a
social phenomena that is for them an unfunded nuisance. They also do not
want to expose themselves to the liabilities. At the same time, they don't
want to appear like they do not care. I don't think this is entirely fair,
but I do understand their reluctance to get involved.
The truth is that there is little they can do to
really help you, even if they wanted to. Sure, you might, if you are successful, get the
bully's ISP to pull
your abuser's account. That might even feel good for a day or two. But then the bully is back online within 24 hours at
a new ISP, pounding the keys again, now more motivated than ever
to "get" you.
Your best response with any online bully is
to "avoid and ignore". It may gall you to have to walk away, but it really
is the most effective action in the majority of cases. Would you rather get
in the last word ... or would you rather have a peaceful life? (More
about that here).
Email Tip ... If you get email
through the workplace, do NOT use it for personal communication, EVER. If
you ever find yourself in a spouse abuse situation, it could come to affect
your work, and there are some adult peer abusers who abuse coworkers through
staff email accounts. Hotmail and
Yahoo provide free email. You can obtain
new accounts there free of charge. Set up an account that you only give to
trusted friends and loved ones. Set up another that you use for online
discussion groups. Set up yet another for any online business or shopping
you will do. This will also have a side benefit of cutting down on the spam
you receive.
