Staci's Place: No More Bullies!
Cyberbullying Advice and Tips
Avoiding Flame Wars
The term "flame war" was coined in the
early days of the Internet when the primary source of two-way or group
communication was the
Usenet, a
large collection of mainly unmoderated discussion groups. A "flame" was
broadly defined as any kind of nasty message. If people didn't stop after
one or two such exchanges, you had a "flame war" on your hands. If you have
never experienced the Usenet, you can check out
Google's archives.
Today, more and more groups are available,
in the Usenet, through Google Groups and Yahoo Groups, MSN's boards, etc.
Most of these lists are moderated, but flame wars can still break out. Each
group's moderator will have different criteria for dealing with flames. Some
moderators take a very "hands off" approach to dealing with flames, and you
cannot control the behavior of other participants if they will not, so it is
really up to you, the participant, to watch your own behavior if you want to
keep from getting roasted.
I used to feel that the Internet was a
hostile place and I was always getting attacked. During my first two years
online, I was involved in a long, bitter battle of words on a BBS, and I was
regularly attacked online. A few years ago, I started taking
personal
growth training. I came to realize that I could not control others, only
myself, and just about all my unhappy online experiences could have been
avoided if I changed my approach. Most of my battles started with someone
attacking me because I was "too opinionated" ... but what they really meant
was I was sarcastic. In the years since I have applied the personal growth
principals to my online behavior, I have not gotten into any serious flame
wars, even though I remain a fairly outspoken and opinionated participant. I
don't hold back from speaking my truth just because someone else might react
- but I always try to say that truth in a respectful way.
Here are some of the tools I use to ensure
that my Internet experience is a largely safe and positive one:
First, keep in mind that different people
have different levels of tolerance for strong language. If you define
yourself as highly sensitive, it may be for the best that you avoid
unmoderated discussion groups and those with highly volatile subject matter.
Flames are to be expected when the topic is controversial. If you see a post
that hits your hot buttons, wait until you cool down before you say
anything. Ask yourself if your 2 cents will be worth their copper. Will the
reaction be worth what you can hope to accomplish? Most times, it is a high
price to pay to have your say. Stick to the positive. Make sure you check
your facts before you post - you will be challenged if the opinion is
controversial.
Never ever say "I don't want to start an
argument but ..." followed by a strong opinion you know is controversial.
You are virtually painting a target on your back. People interpret this as
"You will be made to look like the bad guy if you argue with me," and guess
what? They don't care. It only makes them angrier, because they feel (with
some justification) that you are trying to have your cake and eat it too.
Next, it is vital to understand the
difference between an "opinion" and a "personal attack". Here are some
samples of "opinions":
"Abortion should be free and legal
because ..."
"Abortion is should be illegal because
..."
These are "personal attacks" or flames:
"Only a moron would deny the right to
choose"
"You are going to hell if you have an
abortion"
It is probably a personal attack or flame
if:
-
The comment is critical about or
focuses primarily on a person's personality, their attitude, or demeanor
in the group.
-
The comment is rude, sarcastic or
dismissive, especially when it is posted without adding any new
substance to the discussion.
-
The comment contains a lot of "You
Language".
-
If in doubt, it's most likely a
personal attack.
It is important to remember that you cannot
control anyone else's behavior in a discussion group. You can only control
what you do. If someone disagrees with you, that is NOT a flame.
Let me repeat that: If someone
disagrees with you, that is NOT a flame. Argument is not "attack".
Many, if not most flame wars I have witnessed started with a disagreement,
but they only became flame wars when one side stooped to name-calling. In my
opinion, flames, name calling and personal attacks are an unspoken admission
that the person has run out of arguments.
Even if someone else does actually flame
you, it is a bad idea to "respond in kind". I think since 1992, I have only
once seen someone post "Gee, you were right, I have been a massive jerk, I
apologize" ... and he was a compulsive serial apologizer. Most times what
happens is the other side not only reacts, they retaliate, which escalates
the hostility. It's a waste of time to even respond to someone whose
argument consists mainly of name-calling. These situations call for
leadership by example. It does make a difference.
If you are having trouble with someone:
Report them to the moderator. In private
email. Under no circumstances should they be confronted in the open. That
will only lead to a hostile response, making things worse for you, and
giving the other participants a bad experience as well. You are not the
moderator, and even positive, well-intentioned efforts to restrain other
people's reactions can backfire badly.
If the moderator refuses to take action,
you can either ignore them, filter out their comments with your reading
software, or opt out of the list. If you feel that you must respond, ensure
that you do so without adding any flames of your own. Don't address their
behaviour or attitude. Stick to the facts that bolster your case. Use "I
Language" ("I believe that ...") rather than "You Language" ("You shouldn't
say that ...") Steadfastly ignore bad behaviour and support any positive
posts they make, if you can. Lead by example.
If you have tried all the positive steps,
and there is still no change, then it may be time to leave the group.
Moderators can be quite sensitive to losing members, so it can be a good
idea to write a short note explaining your reason for leaving. If they lose
enough subscribers, they will either go under, or they will have to change
their policies. Make sure your voice is heard. You can always start up your
own group on Google or Yahoo, and it may well be there will be others who
feel as you do who would welcome a safe, flame-free environment for
discussion. If you do this, check out these tips
for moderators.
If you have left the group and the abuse is
continuing, please see these guidelines for
dealing with online abuse.
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