Staci's Place: No More Bullies!
Bullying Myths
Whenever
you talk about bullying, you get hit with a lot of denial and
mythology, from parents, teachers, and even from kids and other
adult survivors. This page is devoted to exploding some of these
common, but incredibly destructive ideas.
Myth: "If you ignore it, they
will go away or bother someone else."
Reality: Aside from the dubious morality
of passing on the problem to another victim, the truth is that bullying
often gets worse when the victim ignores it. Bullies are motivated by the
need to control their victims and an inability to express their
frustrations and aggression in socially acceptable ways. Ignoring them can
lead to escalating violence, as the bully's frustration grows. The
only solution to bullying is for the affected adults (parents and
teachers) to collaborate on effective solutions.
Myth: "If you don't react, don't
show your feelings, they won't bother you."
Can you hide your feelings 100% of
the time? If someone insults you in the workplace, you can see their
smirking self-satisfaction, no matter how solidly you hold your appearance
of calm. If you can't do that as an adult, is it fair to expect a child to
do this?
This myth often leads to the incredibly
bad advice to hide one's natural emotional reactions to the abuse.
"Don't feel bad," the bullied child is told. But that often
leads to the victim holding in their feelings, shrinking emotionally,
trying to squelch their feelings, trying to "disappear"
socially. The victim can be further labeled a snob or anti-social, leading
to yet more bullying. Psychological problems later on in life manifest as
chronic rage and depression. A child in this situation needs to know
that you support their reasonable reactions to an awful experience! Let
them have a good cry, then listen to them (check out the active
listening technique in the book "Parent
Effectiveness Training").
Myth: "Just fight back."
Reality: That can work in only the rarest
situations. Because bullies tend to run in packs, it's usually a bad idea
to suggest your child take up karate and try to fight off superior
numbers. Avoidance is better. Suggest your child avoid unsupervised
sections of the school yard, to take lunch and recess near authority
figures and insist that teachers insure that a custodian, or other adult
is within shouting distance whenever children may be out of doors. You and
other concerned parents may be able to take turns taking lunch with your
children so that there is no opportunity for bullies to take action. If
the bullying is taking place on the bus, drive your children to school if
you can. If you can't do this every day, again, it may help to share the
duty with other concerned parents.
Myth: "Tell them that they are
not being nice and to leave you alone."
Reality: That only really works when done
in the presence of supportive adults who are prepared to monitor the bully
and ensure their participation. Mouthing off to or confronting a bully one
on one is likely to only end up in another escalation.
Myth: "Teasing is a normal part
of childhood."
Reality: That's only half true. Between
equals, a little friendly teasing is normal. But when the teasing is
deliberately hurtful, persistent and aggressive, that's a totally
different story. Don't allow teachers and administrators to use this myth
as an excuse to evade taking action. Physical abuse and threats of
physical violence should never be tolerated, ever. Point out that the
problem is persistent, deliberately hurtful and there is a power imbalance
between the children.
Myth: Occasionally you will get
someone who goes to the other extreme, and believes that all aggressive
behaviour is "bullying".
Reality: This belief negatively impacts
the credibility of anti-bully activists, because every small exclusion,
teasing incident, or unpleasant encounter gets labeled as
"bullying". When that happens, teachers and administrators
naturally balk when it is suggested they intervene. No-one can provide a
totally positive environment 100% of the time. Human conflict and a
certain level of aggression is in fact normal.
All teasing is not bullying and there
are a number of factors that help determine the difference:
-
An intent to harm by the
perpetrator
-
Intensity and duration
-
Abuse of power
-
Vulnerability of the victim
-
Isolation and lack of support for
the victim
-
Consequences and behavior change
for the victim
(From: Bullies
and Victims)
Myth: "Children should be able to
sort this out on their own."
Reality: Children who are facing chronic
abuse should no more be expected to sort out peer abuse on their own than
children who face parental abuse. Bullying thrives in environments where
authority figures abdicate their responsibility.
Myth: "There is no real harm done
if the abuse is not physical or violent."
Reality: "Sticks and stones" is
an incredibly destructive thought-form. In fact, it is rare that verbal
abuse does not escalate, if unchecked, into physical violence, especially
later in life. Even if the bullying is primarily verbal, survivors report
chronic depression, suicide attempts, low self-esteem, eating disorders
and emotional trauma that can last
a lifetime.
Myth: Bullies are anti-social loners
with low self-esteem who come from abusive homes.
Reality: This myth appears to be rooted
in the "criminal as victim" mindset. Bullies can come from any
social or family background, and while they tend to come from overly
strict or overly permissive families, they also tend to be highly social,
"popular" kids in school, those with social advantage over their
victims. While it is a common stereotype, there is evidence that bullies
in fact have very high
self-esteem to the point of narcissism, high aggression, low
self-control and little empathy for others.
"Further, new research by Dr. Brad
Bushman and Dr. Roy Baumeister finds that such unesteemed cadres as
neo-Nazi's, street thugs and bullies actually have very high regard for
their beloved selves; too high, in fact, that’s the problem." (CBS
News. Oct 4, 2002)
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