Staci's Place:
Dealing with Online
Bullies
What is the Reaction Cycle?
The Reaction Cycle is the term James
Roswell Quinn coined in his book "Controlling
Others for Love and Profit" ("If you believe that, then you better
wake up. Controlling others is not the solution - It is the problem."). It
refers to the human tendency to react in kind when under stress.
Person A may be offended or threatened by a
circumstance presented by Person B. They may react in any one of the four
"fear-based" reactions outlined in Quinn's book (Fight, Flight, Freeze and
Facade), but with bullies, the common tendency is the "Fight" reaction.
Person B, when confronted with A's reaction, rarely sits back to analyze the
circumstance they presented. Instead, they react to the reaction. Person A
repeats the cycle. At each step, the temperature escalates a little. It
looks something like this:
Person A: "I don't like it when you stand
so close to me."
Person B: "Excuuuse me, Mr. Sensitive! I
don't need to stand so close to some one who smells as bad as you!"
Person A: "You are such a rude, ignorant
person!"
Person B: "Oh yeah? Well you ..."
... and the cycle only escalates from
there. A simple inconvenience can quickly ramp up into an argument,
violence, or worse.
There are many reasons to drop out of the
Reaction Cycle. Targets of bullying are often told "Just don't react." but
they need to understand why that is so important.
Of immediate concern to the target is the
support of authority figures. School teachers, administrators, coworkers,
employers, abuse administrators at ISPs and the police are most likely to be
hostile to a target who has been actively participating in the reaction
cycle. At some point, who or what "started it" becomes impossible to
ascertain, and even when it is obvious, after a time it becomes irrelevant.
In an atmosphere of "tit-for-tat", the line between the "bully" and the
"bullied" becomes blurred, especially in cyberspace. If the target can
remain above the urge for retaliation, it is much harder for an over-worked
administrator to say "Just ignore them" when you are already doing that.
A secondary benefit is the likelihood that
the bully will actually back off. This does happen frequently, especially
online. It is just no fun to send emails to a target who never replies to
them, or better yet bounces them back with an automated filter.
Of course, simply ignoring abuse does not
always relieve the problem. Sometimes, it makes things worse before it gets
better. And it can be extremely challenging to refuse to take the bait,
especially when you are young and sensitive. I highly recommend Quinn's
books and seminars. They contain
several tools for dealing with difficult people. As a sensitive person
myself, his seminars have been a huge blessing to me
Looking for something in the
Gallery?
Try this Google Search panel:
